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Tools Defined

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FORGE a refractory chamber heated to high temperature, then used to convert
once usable, and very expensive metasl into useless black scale or artificial meteorites


TONGS large and surprisingly heavy long metal plier-like tools used to
retrieve red hot artificial meteorites from the forge while pinching your
fingers with a mechanical advantage five times greater than regular pliers


ANVIL a solid steel tool which costs it's weight in gold , used to back-up
the action of a hammer in such a way that the red-hot metal being struck is
launched unpredictable but usually towards your face at great velocity as the
now very hot tongs slip and pinch your tissues while simultaneously burning
you


TOE a distal body appendage which mysteriously attracts falling objects
(see hammer) and prevents them from geting damaged when they strike the floor.


HYDRAULIC PRESS a fearsome beast of a tool which can squeeze hot metal
between it's jaws to either flatten it or launch it at great speed off into the
shop in order to ignite the one combustable item in the entire shop area (your
new winter coat) all the while making terrifying squeaking and popping noises
which can only occur in metal under 60 tons of pressure


WIRE WELDER A device which uses such large amounts of high voltage to
dim the lights in your workshop and tanks of expensive inert gasses in order to
almost instantaneously convert a rolled spool of wire into horrible tangles of
metal unsuitable for any birds nest while sending sparks out into the shop at
surprising distances towards your socks, the inside of the cuff of the welding
gloves you are wearing during the attempted operation and the other combustable
items in the shop. These actions are usually very quick and short in duration
but the consequent actions of getting the hot slag off your skin, extinguishing
your socks , immersing your new coat in the rusty water of the quenching barrel
and unwinding the wire tangle to get ready for the next attempted usage may
take up the rest of the day which you had hoped would be productive


STICK WELDER a less expensive , less complicated but equally
power-demanding version of above which does not create tangles of wire but
still creates the secondary effects as above with the added features of spitting
molten metal slag everywhere around the item which was attempted to be welded.
The slag is remarkably adherent to everything especially nicely polished or
painted metal , and your skin , which it reaches by burning through your
clothing like a high energy laser beam.


ETCHING SOLUTION a special liquid laden with acid or super-saturates of
chemicals such as ferric chloride intended to eat away the outer layers of
laminated steel objects such as labor intensive knives to demonstrate the
pattern of the laminations and the hidden flaws in the steel which you have been
working on for 3 days steady to then find that the item is unusable . Etching
solution will also make your skin brown until / unless it is replaced by new
skin and reaches your skin by eating through anything in the way much like the
molecular acid in the blood of the of the creature in the movie "Alien".


QUENCHING BARREL a container intended to hold clean water to cool hot steel
, extinguish smoldering clothing and sustain mutant vermin which have invaded
the shop and nested in your best coat which had been put safely away from the
reach of welder slag into the cabinet that was supposed to be secure because of
metal construction and the key, which has been lost in the bottom of the rusty
water of the quenching barrel


HIGH SPEED 2"x72" BELT GRINDER a device intended to grind hardened steel
into pointy and sharp knife-like objects all of which have the potential to be
launched point first at high velocity into your liver, but usually used to
convert swords into toothpicks and huge volumes of small particles of metal
which escape the water filled bucket intended to catch the hot grinding sparks,
so as to imbed in you clothing , skin, and best coat back in the vermin nest
cabinet. Please note that the high speed belts used in the grinder can slice the
end off your glove in a microsecond giving you an instant of clear view of your
finger tip capillary arcade no longer contained by skin before more blood than
you ever imagined could be in the end of your finger begins flowing so
vigorously that it takes multiple wraps of black electrical tape to slow it down
enough to apply crazy glue to stop the bleeding and affirm that the now bare
nerve endings in the grinding zone are indeed alive now very angry at having
been doused with crazyglue


SAFETY GLASSES poly carbonate clear or specially tinted eyeware to protect
your eyes from frying while looking into the hot forge or being penetrated by
flying objects when working in the shop , especially while using the belt
grinder. Generally these tight fitting glasses make sweat drip directly into
your eyes causing a burning feeling, then excessive tearing and interfere with
your vision while reaching into the hot forge to retrieve hot artificial
meteorites or grinding potential missiles and glove tips on the belt
grinder


MASK RESPIRATOR a safety device intended to be worn over your nose and
mouth to protect you from inhaling dangerous particles or fumes from the shop
environment. These are highly combustible if placed too close to the hot forge,
if hit by a spark of hot metal at the anvil or belt grinder and have the added
feature of displacing your safety glasses a bit so hot grit ejected from the
belt grinder at high velocities can have a trajectory to your eyes

Safety masks are surprisingly expensive and if you buy them via the
internet are usually late in arriving , thereby causing you many unproductive
days waiting for a new box of masks to arrive and finally forcing you to use old
masks which have been taped over the burn holes and spontaneously fermented the
volatiles accumulated from your breath into an aroma reminiscent of the bottom
of the cat box used by your two cats after that two week vacation to meet your
crazy relatives in mississippi including your uncle who only has one tooth in
his head.


GORILLA GLUE a high performance expanding water proof adhesive activated by
moisture intended for gluing handles onto the metal tooth picks you grind from
swords which unintentionally spreads like a bad rumor to your clothing and hands
despite nitrile gloves which you discover are solubilized by etching solution or
gorilla glue.Once on your skin, it turns black and will stay that way unless
replaced by new skin or removed by uncomfortable ,vigorous abrasion using your
wife's pedicure file which you clandestinely commandeer whenever she lets you
enter back into the house


EPOXY GLUE a high performance non-expanding two part adhesive which either
never sets and remains permanently sticky or rapidly sets in an exothermic
manner melting your mixing cup and permanently affixing the toothpick handles in
misalignment while solubilizing your cheap nitrile gloves from china so as to
gain access to your skin to accrue unwanted debris for later removal through
vigorous mechanical abrasion.


CRAZY GLUE a quick setting clear acrylic solution best used for hemostasis
and testing residual sensory nerve function


POISON RAT BAIT because your vigilant wife sees a rat walking on top of
the wall behind your pool, instructs the pest man who walks around your yard
every two weeks spraying water and pretending to kill cockroaches to kill the
rat. He then places a mix of long acting tasteless anticoagulant poison and
yummy (for vermin) suet enclosed in a pet proof feeder box which the filthy
vermin eat then die. Then your dog eats the dead rat and bleeds internally
resulting in it's admission to the canine ICU requiring multiple transfusions,
fractionated serum replacements and your veterinarian being able to buy that
new Porsche. The rats which are not eaten by your dog take agonal hiding in
various corners of the shop and later make their location known by emitting "the
dead rat smell" which is permanently absorbed by what remains of your once new
coat. It is not a good summertime smell in your shop until 5 years
afterwards.


ELECTRICAL TAPE a multi purpose shop item used for holding knives and
handles in misalignment while gluing for permanent misalignment, hemostasis,
covering holes in your fetid used masks, and thermally bonding onto whatever
surface it is close to when hit by hot slag.


MOBILE PHONE an expensive device you keep in your pocket while you are
working in the shop which your wife uses to notify you when lunch is ready or
when toilets overflow . It never rings unless your hands are coated with glue
and always falls out of your pocket into the quenching barrel when you are
extinguishing your clothing


HOT PIPE something you NEVER quench more that once. Even then..you may still do so..only to be reminded once again why it is a bad idea.


SURFACE GRINDER very heavy and difficult to move , once precision machine
which you buy via craigs list with the intention of making folding knives and
beautiful distal tapered blades . However it has been sitting for 5 plus years
blocking your garage which is too full of stuff to park the car in there anyway,
and gets moved to a new location in front of your workshop roll up door


QUENCHING OIL accumulated waste oil from the neighborhood mixed with ATF to
achieve a lower viscosity intended for immersion tempering of hot steel to
achieve destructive thermal shock fracturing of expensive complex steel items
you worked on for many days while creating a cloud of smoke which always floats
over to the hot forge where it ignites in an impressive fashion as if Satan were
appearing while generating a small concussive event which triggers the urban
gunshot detection system stimulating the METRO police SWAT team to break through
the door of your shop with weapons drawn in the first use of their medium armor
urban assault vehicle ram accessory from DHS while wearing their new blue UN
helmets. They are mad because your surface grinder was in the way, causing their
LAV to high-center and get stuck there. You are lucky they don't shoot you but
they "impound" all of your knives and give you a ticket for having an unlicensed
commercial manufacturing facility in your yard while instructing that you have
30 days to tear down your shop because it does not meet the new building codes.
In addition ,because of the quenching oil, must have the site remediated by the
EPA or they will confiscate your house. The only reason you are released from
handcuffs is that your wife hears the noise , goes past the pool wall out to
the shop and recognizes the lieutenant as the husband of her tennis partner who
she calls to intervene by texting instructions to her ken doll to let you
go.
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My Life was Improved by this. I think i shall print it out and give it to anyone who asks me about forging.

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Allow me to add to the list!

 

Bench Vice:

 

A mechanical interpretation of the famous Bond villain, whose sole purpose is to hold material either too loose, or so firm it requires hydraulic intervention to rescue your now ruined piece of nickle silver. Over time this ingenious contraption will adapt itself to it's user's preference for squishing things beyond hope, and will allow it's jaws to stick firmly shut, even after multiple revolutions of the screw in the "release my material you savage beast!" direction. Attempting to lubricate the device will result in hysterics and 50 weight motor oil sloughed to and fro across your work bench.

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Haha, quenching pipe is really fun as long as you remember you're quenching pipe before you start...

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Lets be honest, Safety glasses are used to redirect any flying object that would have missed your eye right back into it so you have to have the rusting metal drilled out by some "doctor" that is younger than you children.

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this wah GREAT ...I almost peed myself!

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Flippin' hilarious. I cracked up out loud several times until my wife asked what I was reading...

Wish I had a surface grinder sitting outside MY shop door. I'd promptly go use time in which I should be making money to move it in and get it in shape. Just like I'm using potential money making time right now posting here!

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I have something to add as well.

 

POST VISE, an implament similar to the bench vise that is both unmovable and always in your way and inevitably will become rendered dangerously hot just before you rest your fore arm on it (personal experience).

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Hey Jim, please define "disc sander" and "chop saw" for me.

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Disc Sander...this devious device was thought up by a drunk Gestapo Colonel during WWII as a way to extract information from POW's...It consists of a spinning disc of death about 12 to 18" in diameter usually coated with 20 or 40 grit abrasive (AKA pea gravel) with the idea to sand/smooth end pieces and edges of various materials such as wood, soft and not so soft metal, plastic, bone and other materials..This can and does include fingers once you are mesmerized by the spinning disc into a state of semi stupor. Can take fingertips off down to the bone in a millisecond leaving a very nice "psychedelic" pattern of white changing to various shades of pinks to deep reds.....very reminiscent of the old "black light spinning paintings" you use to do at carnivals in the 1960's...

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Wait, who needs a coat where it's 800 degrees outside?

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Allow me to add:

 

HAMMERS: tools you use to release anger at various shaped pieces of hot or cold metal. Sometimes you recognize knives or other implements in the results, which with a fair amount of removal through grinding can actually result in other tools you can use to release more anger and destroy other things with. Generally you have one hammer to do 99% of all jobs, and 99 for those 1% of jobs where you really need that particular hammer. Likely the one you use 99% of the time can be recognized by having the worst haft on it. But that's only a temporary replacement that you put on 10 years ago.

 

ANGLE GRINDER: flaw remover. In case of castings, if the flaws are so great that you will only end up with dust, it can actually save a lot of time by cutting it up in large pieces that fit inside the crucible, so you can melt it down. You can also just keep on grinding, and then then sweep up the dust from the floor and put that in the crucible.

 

MOULD: a very temporary holder for liquid metal, which you destroy within seconds after casting, but may have taken you weeks to make. Once you break open the mould you may either have a very odd bit of metal with holes, something that is nearly what you intended but with one hole in an inconvenient place, making it still completely useless.

 

HEAT RESISTENT GLOVES: that which will make you burn yourself badly, by grabbing hot things you should never hold for far too long due to the blissful confidence in their protection until you realize there's a hole in them.

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File: A piece of metal with many shiny areas where a series of edges once was, most commonly used as a sandpaper mandrel so it looks like it is doing its intended job. It is also used to drag across knife tips that you had tried to normalize but are still rock hard. You secretly wish that it would become completely useless so you can turn it into another rock hard knife tip to dull your next file on.

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Lets be honest, Safety glasses are used to redirect any flying object that would have missed your eye right back into it so you have to have the rusting metal drilled out by some "doctor" that is younger than you children.

I skipped them once. Of course something hit me in the eye. Large enough I could see it coming.

 

The conversation with the witch doctor at community care went something like this:

 

WD: You have pinkeye.

ME: No I don't.

WD: Yes you do.

ME: Lady, I've diagnosed cattle with pinkeye. I've doctored them for pinkeye. I've HAD pinkeye. I know what it is. This is not pinkeye.

WD: Well, this is viral pinkeye. It's different.

ME: Sigh. [Thinking] How long do these people go to school and why does someone ever let them out?

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I was using a weedeater with a blade and it picked up a rock and decked me right under the eyebrow bone. The blind spot at the bottom of my vision (inverted) just recently went away after 3-4 years. Or I'm used to it.. hard to say. Glad I had them on that day.

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